Mental illness SUCKS. I’ve had anxiety/depression for a while, and have been medicated on and off since 2009 (steadily since 2012 or so). I’ve had tons of ups and downs, lost a well-paying job, and (in my opinion, anyway; it could be all in my head so to speak) let several wonderful friendships lapse along the way. My behaviour over the years, in hindsight, has definitely caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people; family, friends and colleagues alike. I could drive myself INSANE wishing I could go back in time and change things, there are so many incidents I can think of! I have days where all I want to do is sleep and feel like crying all day; then the next day I feel fine and that I could conquer the world. One day feel like I hate people and don’t want to talk to *anybody*, and the next day I’ll be back to normal (whatever that is!). Some days it feels like I work as hard as I can at what I’m doing, and that that particular day’s “best” is a “normal” person’s “just ok”.
I’m writing this because today is a good day and I feel inspired. There’s no reason in particular; with me, there is sometimes no rhyme or reason to good/bad days. I think the fact that I have read so many things about mental illness in the past few days- Kate Spade’s untimely death, a post on my Facebook feed, an ad on the back of a bus for mental health help- has bolstered my confidence and made me realize that no, I am *not* alone in this. I’m not stupid, useless, or a burden. I can be lazy by nature and can often use a swift kick in the butt, but so could millions upon millions of people without a mental illness. If I try my best at what I do and treat others (AND myself) with kindness and respect (even if I REALLY think they don’t deserve it!), then I think I can do OK in this crazy world of ours. Remember, if you think you’re alone…you’re not. There are others out there just like you. 💚
I recently got a raise at work, which was certainly welcomed; I don’t want to give the impression that, in this day and age where so many are having trouble finding full-time jobs, that I am ungrateful. However, when I looked at what my salary is now, I thought…I am worth more than this!. I know in my heart that I have the skills to go much farther in life, and the desire is beginning to form as well. I never thought I deserved more, earned more, or wanted more. I want that “new to me” Toyota I saw in the used car lot last night. I want to be a homeowner in the not too distant future. I want my future kids to experience even a fraction of the wonderful childhood I had (thanks to parents who worked their butts off, whether it was at home or out in the workforce). I want more!!
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post; over four months, in fact! A certain fellow blog writer *cough* has given me a well-needed kick in the behind to get cracking again. You see, I’m essentially a very stubborn old goat. Well, maybe not old, but I AM stubborn. I do things when *I* feel like doing them, and I feel like getting back on the writing bandwagon! I’m not promising anything Pulitzer- or Booker Prize worthy, but I do have a few ideas floating around in this jumbled head of mine. You readers will be the only ones privileged enough to read them 😀
(Don’t worry, I’m not going to do one of these posts every year! Now that I think about it, though)… 🙂
20 years ago, on this date and time, Al and I were staying over at the neighbors’ house because you decided to make your appearance 2 weeks early (during a nurses’ strike, no less; Dad was apparently ready to ram the picket line!). When we got the call early the next day telling us that we had a baby brother, I was not exactly over the moon; I had wanted a sister SO badly!
Many, many things have happened in the last 20 years, and I’m so glad you have been here to take part in them. As you completed the halfway point in your university education, and moved out on your own, I am very proud of your accomplishments and of the man you have become. You make us proud, and I’m sure the grandparents who are no longer with us would be so thrilled and happy about how you turned out.
Happy 20th birthday, buddy. Keep on making good choices- the best is yet to come! 🙂
“Stop cheating on your future with your past….it’s over.” Wise words to live by 🙂