Depression/Mental Health, Life in general, When Life Happens, When Life Isn't Too Great

I am “normal”…I swear…

Mental illness SUCKS. I’ve had anxiety/depression for a while, and have been medicated on and off since 2009 (steadily since 2012 or so). I’ve had tons of ups and downs, lost a well-paying job, and (in my opinion, anyway; it could be all in my head so to speak) let several wonderful friendships lapse along the way. My behaviour over the years, in hindsight, has definitely caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people; family, friends and colleagues alike. I could drive myself INSANE wishing I could go back in time and change things, there are so many incidents I can think of! I have days where all I want to do is sleep and feel like crying all day; then the next day I feel fine and that I could conquer the world. One day feel like I hate people and don’t want to talk to *anybody*, and the next day I’ll be back to normal (whatever that is!). Some days it feels like I work as hard as I can at what I’m doing, and that that particular day’s “best” is a “normal” person’s “just ok”.

I’m writing this because today is a good day and I feel inspired. There’s no reason in particular; with me, there is sometimes no rhyme or reason to good/bad days. I think the fact that I have read so many things about mental illness in the past few days- Kate Spade’s untimely death, a post on my Facebook feed, an ad on the back of a bus for mental health help- has bolstered my confidence and made me realize that no, I am *not* alone in this. I’m not stupid, useless, or a burden. I can be lazy by nature and can often use a swift kick in the butt, but so could millions upon millions of people without a mental illness. If I try my best at what I do and treat others (AND myself) with kindness and respect (even if I REALLY think they don’t deserve it!), then I think I can do OK in this crazy world of ours. Remember, if you think you’re alone…you’re not. There are others out there just like you. 💚

 

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Life in general

Bigger and better

I recently got a raise at work, which was certainly welcomed; I don’t want to give the impression that, in this day and age where so many are having trouble finding full-time jobs, that I am ungrateful. However, when I looked at what my salary is now, I thought…I am worth more than this!. I know in my heart that I have the skills to go much farther in life, and the desire is beginning to form as well. I never thought I deserved more, earned more, or wanted more. I want that “new to me” Toyota I saw in the used car lot last night. I want to be a homeowner in the not too distant future. I want my future kids to experience even a fraction of the wonderful childhood I had (thanks to parents who worked their butts off, whether it was at home or out in the workforce). I want more!!

Life in general, Random

20 years ago today

(Don’t worry, I’m not going to do one of these posts every year! Now that I think about it, though)… 🙂

20 years ago, on this date and time, Al and I were staying over at the neighbors’ house because you decided to make your appearance 2 weeks early (during a nurses’ strike, no less; Dad was apparently ready to ram the picket line!). When we got the call early the next day telling us that we had a baby brother, I was not exactly over the moon; I had wanted a sister SO badly!

Many, many things have happened in the last 20 years, and I’m so glad you have been here to take part in them. As you completed the halfway point in your university education, and moved out on your own, I am very proud of your accomplishments and of the man you have become. You make us proud, and I’m sure the grandparents who are no longer with us would be so thrilled and happy about how you turned out.

Happy 20th birthday, buddy. Keep on making good choices- the best is yet to come! 🙂

Depression/Mental Health, Life in general, Random

Someday…

I’ve written before on here about my struggles with mental illness. I use the word “struggle” because it took me, oh, 27 years to realize that I suffered from depression/anxiety, and a further 2 years to find a medicine that works for me. I know that drugs affect different people very differently, but let me tell you: Effexor is BAD. Very bad. So bad that my anxiety would INCREASE and I’d worry about missing a pill due to the side effects! For me, the worst was the disturbing dreams. If I missed just ONE pill, oh boy…I’d wake up scared. The medicine I’m on now (generic Prozac) is MUCH better 🙂

Which brings me to the inspiration for this post: the dream I had the night before last. I can’t remember every detail, but I do remember this: I met someone, and the relationship evolved over time. None of this “I’m cute, you’re cute, let’s hook up”. We first saw each other at an event of some kind, and I said to a friend at one point “I knew the first time I saw him that he was the one for me”. He was a kind person, and said nice things to me. I just remember waking up and feeling happier than I have in a long, long time.

(For those of you who are wondering- my dream guy bore a striking resemblance to Ty Burrell of “Modern Family” fame. I think he’s very attractive, but what draws him to me most is his sense of humor, hard-working nature and goofiness :))

Life in general, Random

One year ago today…

I’m big on anniversaries. I remember the date of my first kiss, my first slow dance, my second cousin once removed’s birthday, my parents’ anniversary (which even my own FATHER often forgets, but I give him a pass on that one; his mother’s birthday was the day before!)…

One year ago today, I was lying awake, a nervous wreck before I was to start a new job. That job didn’t work out for various reasons, but almost 6 months later to the day I found a job I love, and here I am 6 months after THAT still loving it!

I haven’t felt this happy in a long time…in fact, I don’t know if I’ve EVER been so at peace with my life. The next step is to get physically fit and lose weight, and to continue to take care of my mental health.

Ramble done…thanks for listening to the musings from my little corner of the world 🙂

Life in general

Jumping back in…

Warning: if you’ve had enough of friends/relatives/strangers going on about finding Mr/Ms. Right, then this isn’t the post for you! 😛

It isn’t something I talk a whole lot about to anyone other than close friends, but I haven’t had the best luck in the relationship arena. I’ve never accomplished anything on a strict timeline; I was 19 when I got my driver’s license, and my university degree has been a true roller coaster of up-and-down emotions and academic results. There are some things I believe in setting a firm goal for; for instance, if you read my 30 in 30 post, you’ll know that I am DETERMINED to lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday in January. There is no one but me standing in the way of that goal!!

However, I draw the line with relationships and firm goals. I have seen what has happened with the “I want to get married by 28” and “I want to be a mom by 30″ people, and in the majority of cases things haven’t ended well. Of course, I know there are special circumstances; illness, military deployment, or any of a myriad of personal reasons why people want to accomplish something by a certain point in their life. Saying that, I get REALLY stinkin’ jealous of some people around my age who are getting married, have found Mr/Ms. Right, are having kids…they have someone to love them, to care for them and about them. Don’t get me wrong; my parents and brothers are WONDERFUL and have been, and continue to be, an enormous support to me. However, it would be really nice to have someone around to talk with, to cry with when I’m having a bad day, to watch my favorite movies and TV show with…to just be there for me when I need him.

Sooo…I’m taking the first baby step in jumping back into the wonderful world of the awkward back-and-forth tango more commonly known as “dating”; I’m admitting that I truly want to find someone, that life partner who will stick around through the bad times and the good. I don’t know what’s going to end up working for me, but I talk a lot and love meeting new people, so I’ll use that to start with and go from there  🙂  Barring that, there are always arranged marriages… 😀