Archive for the ‘When Life Happens’ Category

More on my thoughts on depression

October 22, 2010

First off, I want to admit something; I’m not a fan of the phrase “Unless you ***, then you can’t possibly ***”. I mean, a male OB/GYN has a heck of a greater understanding of my inner parts than I do, even if he doesn’t, and never will, have them himself!

However, with depression, I’m a great believer in the fact that you don’t really have a true idea what’s it’s like dealing with it on a day-to-day basis unless you’ve been there, or are there, yourself. I’m not saying that you can’t HELP someone with depression if you don’t suffer with it; I’ve had help from several professionals in dealing with my illness. While I’m not sure (and frankly, it doesn’t matter) whether or not they themselves have suffered from a mental illness, they’ve all helped me immensely in one way or another.

I have a person in my life who thinks they (side note: as a grammar geek, I know that using ‘they’ is incorrect. However, I’m using my artistic license here in order to conserve anonymity) are supporting and helping me deal with this illness. They tell me that they did the best they could, to forget things that happened in the past…what they don’t realize is that part of my getting better is trying to get over what happened in the past, so that I don’t let it affect what happens in the present and what will happen in the future. They criticize what I wear, what I eat how I look…all in the name of “trying to help”. I’m sorry, but I’ve made it clear to this person that bullying (or what I perceive as bullying) is NOT something that helps me. However, this person continues to do this.

Something I’ve been working on is realizing that you cannot control what and how other people feel about you, and you cannot change those who are not willing and who do not want to change. I’ll give this person credit; they are willing to help me, but the problem is that they are always going to be how they are, just as I am always going to be how I am. I may get thinner, or fatter, or smarter, or more successful but my personality is a static thing. This person’s personality just does NOT go with mine, and this is very, very difficult for me to deal with. However, they’re going to be in my life for awhile, and I’m just going to have to deal with the facts and move forward, which I am working on  🙂

This post was inspired because I’m not having a good day today. I know some reasons why, and they’re both in and out of my control. That’s why I hate, HATE this illness so much; I can be fine one day, and not want to get out of bed on others. However, today I got myself out of bed and out of the house despite how I was feeling, but I’m still a bit off. One step at a time…

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Taking a break for a bit…

September 26, 2010

If anyone comes here from Twitter- fear not, I will be back!!! I just need to get a few things straightened out in my life, and once I’m back on track, I’ll resume posting bigger (well, hopefully smaller, actually!) and better than ever. Life is just too distracting for the moment, and I’d hate for the few human readers I have left to leave because I post yet another ranting/depressing/”no one loves me” post.

Thanks again for reading; writing is one of my few pleasures in life, and I would never, ever give it up for good. I like writing way too much to do that! 🙂 Hopefully, with my next blog post, I’ll have good news to share with everyone. So…goodbye for now.

Since I couldn’t find this song on Blipfm…

September 25, 2010

I thought I’d post it here! By the way, my eyes are hazel…

Online friendships

July 17, 2010

For the past year and a half (tomorrow, actually, will be 18 months), I have been in a relationship. For 18 of those months, things were never “right”. I knew it and he knew it, and he basically told me as much. I heard what I wanted to hear, not what he actually said, and I think I gave him a “free pass” of sorts in the relationship department. I know that I’m not innocent in the whole thing; some of the problems are definitely my fault. However, looking back, there are definitely things I would have done differently.

I am very, very grateful to a group of people on a certain message board (you know who you are!) who are helping me with this issue. It’s a process, and when you don’t have friends IRL to bounce things off of (yes, I have a therapist, but it’s not the same), it makes things difficult. So to all of you, thank you, and you haven’t seen the last of me. I’ll be bugging you til (Magic) kingdom come!  😉

Hot Topic: Mental Illness

July 13, 2010

Here’s the answer to yesterday’s question…Yes, I know, the title gives it away  🙂  All of the celebrities mentioned have a mental illness of some sort, whether it be depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia…there are many, MANY different mental illnesses out there. One thing that bothers me is the label “crazy”, as in “He just went crazy one day”. Oftentimes mental illnesses are always in the background, and certain words or events set them off. I do understand, though, that we are woefully undereducated on the subject and accept that sometimes people just use words that are familiar to them because they don’t know any better terminology. I’m going to take a big leap and tell my personal story…

I remember being nervous quite often as a young child. I was afraid to dive in swimming class; I didn’t mind jumping into deep water, but something about going in face-first really bothered me. I was TERRIFIED of playing team sports because trying to remember the rules made me worry so much that I couldn’t think of anything else. I didn’t want to join choir or the track team (or any other individual sport) because I didn’t think I was good enough, and that people would laugh at me or be disappointed when I let the “team”, or the rest of the group, down. I was what you would label “gifted”, and as a result teachers gave me more responsibilities than the other kids. I remember one incident where my Grade 1 teacher asked me to take a note to another teacher’s classroom; I was so nervous about knocking on her door and having all the kids staring at me that I went back and told my teacher that the other teacher wasn’t in her classroom.

Junior high is usually a wasteland of embarrassment, heartbreak and low self-esteem for most people, but to be honest, I really enjoyed it. I started to come out of my shell; I joined band and discovered I was a GOOD clarinet player!; and I had a great group of friends. Sure, there were spats, but we were always there for each other. My grades remained high, and I even had my very first date to my Grade 8 graduation dance.

High school is where things started to really go downhill. I went into an advanced program with dreams of going into medicine, and my grades plummeted. I was sick nearly every morning, and avoided studying because doing so would make me MORE nervous about the upcoming test. I did very well with essays because I could sit and take my time, writing at my own leisure. I simply didn’t know what was wrong with me, which is not a good feeling at all.

Fast forward 8 years. I was at my third university, having switched programs twice. I had taken dozens of courses, but did not yet have a degree. I took my father out to dessert for his birthday, and he broached the subject of depression, giving his personal experiences. With each word he spoke, describing situations and feelings he had experienced, I realized that I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me.

I’m doing much, MUCH better now. I’m taking medication: Effexor, which is part of the SNRI class of antidepressants. I have also found a wonderful therapist whom I call by her first name and who has given me a lot of encouragement. I’m still working on my problems with relationships, but things aren’t going to get better overnight. And, of course, the blog helps me get some of my feelings out too. If you’re still here, thanks for reading  🙂

Life…

July 10, 2010

Things are really tough right now, in pretty well all areas of my life. Nothing is turning out like I wanted it to or how I thought it would be, and before you say/think something stupid like “It never does turn out how you think it will”, “Life is so unpredictable”, “Things happen for a reason”…bullcrap. Those are just trite words that people use to make others feel better.

All I can say that truly comforts me is that I haven’t made any really dumb, life altering choices; getting married for the wrong reason, getting married too soon, spending money on a wedding when it could have been better spent elsewhere, settling, having kids in a rocky relationship…it seems that those are not unique choices. However, I’ve been spared having to make them, and for that I’m grateful.

I’m glad to have this blog to vent my feelings, and thanks to those who write comments  🙂  I know this is just a shitty little blog that no one reads (my stats have been at 0 views for the past 3 or 4 days; hey, maybe “Shitty Little Blog” would make a great new title!), but as those who blog know, it’s good to have SOMEWHERE to vent. I’m a pretty guarded person, and have less than a handful of friends I trust with personal and private information. I stopped writing in my journal because it became too sad to look back 5, 10 years ago and see what “was” and what “could have been”, if that makes sense *sigh*.

That felt good! Oh, and one more thing before I sign off for the night…

Bill McLeod is a world-class ASSHOLE!←

and I don’t care who knows it!!!

A tale of the Giver and the Recipient…

December 11, 2009

In the Recipient’s family, there are no surprises. The youngest brother would always come up with something unique, but that’s pretty well it. For the most part, it was either a) Give the person money to buy whatever he/she wants, or b) Give the gift-giver a specific list and they’ll “shop” from it.

Someone the Recipient is very close to grew up in a different environment where surprises were a regular feature at Christmas time. The Giver’s family would listen throughout to year to get clues as to what friends and family members might want; there was no need for a list. You got something that you wanted, but that you were not necessarily expecting.

Today, these 2 styles collided with some less-than-desirable results for the Giver. The Recipient spoiled a surprise that the Giver would have liked  to have great joy in giving at the holiday. However, the Recipient is going to love and appreciate that gift just as much as if they hadn’t known about it. The surprise may not be there, but the appreciation sure will be. Hopefully the Giver reads this post and realizes how much their thoughts and consideration mean to the Recipient, who has come from a place where surprises were very rare…

The Recipient just wants to say…Thank you (((hug))). The Recipient might not be able to erase what happened, but they can sure enjoy the gifts that come directly from the Giver’s heart.

Feelings…

October 4, 2009

We all have them, about someone or something. We all deal with them in different ways. I dealt with them in the wrong way and hurt someone I care deeply about. I should have just asked them directly, or gone to someone else for help in dealing with my irrational thoughts and opinions…but I didn’t and what’s done is done. I am truly sorry.

RIP Patrick Swayze…

September 16, 2009

I heard the sad news a couple days ago that Patrick Swayze had passed away. I know that he was in many movies and television shows, but I’m going to concentrate on the most iconic one- Dirty Dancing.

I saw this movie for the first time in high school (my viewing preferences tend to be about 10 years behind the times; I just saw “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” last month). Being 16 or 17 years old, I didn’t “get” a lot of the things in the movie. For example, the watermelon; why would staff members partying need a watermelon? Years later, when a roommate and I were having a parry, I was indoctrinated into the world of watermelons + vodka 🙂  I also thought that they were saying something other than “mashed potato” in the “Do You Love Me” scene…

The most significant thing I missed appreciating, though, was the relationship between Johnny and Baby. This was the story of a young girl growing up, of meeting her first love, of being independent, and from breaking away from the sheltered life she had enjoyed as the youngest child of a doctor and a stay-at-home mother in the 1960s. It was the story of the loss of innocence and the winds of change. It wasn’t just about shaking hips and sexy swagger; it was about tender moments between two people who grew to care for each other very much.

That is why I will miss Patrick Swayze so much. I know he couldn’t stay young, healthy and 35 forever (DAMN, he was 35 in that movie??? WOW!!!), but you never want to see your favorite actors waste away and suffer either. RIP Patrick…you will live on forever in my heart. Thank you  🙂

The first day!

September 8, 2009

I’m back at school yet again, for the last year of my undergrad degree. I graduated from high school in 1999, and I’m still doing an undergrad…you can do the math…that’s a long time!

There are many reasons why it has taken so long to finish my degree. Someone very close to me put it best: I lost my way. I had no clear path straight out of high school, and I spent many years chasing what I thought other people expected of me and not enough time doing what I wanted. I should have listened to all the people (and there were, honestly, 2 or 3) who said I’d be a good teacher, because that’s where I’m hoping to head now! I really feel that the profession is my calling in life, and that there is no reason that I should not attain the goal. I can think of many teachers (those who have personally taught me and others) who are no more passionate or qualified for the position I am. That may sound cocky, but it’s what I need in order to pump myself up for the hard months ahead!

I have had 2 classes so far today- Organic Chemistry being the first. It’s not my most favorite or strongest subject, but I’ve promised myself that I will tolerate it and get a mark of at least B-. I have no grand illusions; I know I’m not going to get an A, but I’m sure going to work towards it. My other class today was a  Biology class, and the prof is awesome! It’s definitely not going to be an easy course- there are lab and online components, and there will be a dizzying array of muscles and bones and names to memorize- but the class interests me, and for me that’s the key to success.

It can only go forward from here!